How to Find the Right Therapist: Asking the Right Questions

Finding a therapist can feel overwhelming. You might wonder how to know if someone is the right fit for you. Alice Miller, a well-known psychoanalyst and author, offered a simple but powerful approach: ask questions. The first consultation is not only for the therapist to learn about you. It is also your chance to interview them.

Alice Miller, a psychoanalyst and author, believed that a good therapist must have faced their own history. If they have not done their own personal work, they may avoid or minimize your pain. Instead of helping you heal, they may silence you or push you toward ideas like forgiveness or “thinking positive” before you are ready (Miller, 1998).

Why Their Personal Work Matters

Therapists are human. If they have avoided their own childhood wounds, they may unconsciously protect their parents, deny the harm they lived through, or downplay the impact of trauma. When this happens, they can’t hold space for your truth. They might even make you feel guilty for mistrusting them.

On the other hand, a therapist who has faced their own past is more likely to respond with honesty and empathy. They know firsthand what it takes to feel pain, to question old family patterns, and to begin healing. That lived experience makes them less defensive and more present with you.

What to Ask in the First Meeting

Miller (1998) encouraged clients to ask real, sometimes uncomfortable questions, such as:

  • What helped you most in your training, and what did not?

  • How do you deal with setbacks in your own life?

  • Have you explored your childhood experiences? How do you view them now?

Their answers won’t be perfect, but their attitude matters. If they answer openly and with reflection, that is a good sign. If they become hostile, vague, or defensive, that’s a red flag.

Trust Your Feelings

Your body gives you clues. If you feel uneasy or silenced in the first meeting, take it seriously. Do not explain it away or hope the therapist will change. You are not there to heal them. You are there to find someone who can respect you and support your healing. When you meet a therapist who truly gets you, you will feel calmer, more open, and at ease.

Walking Away Is Okay

It may feel intrusive to ask so many questions. But you have every right to do so. If a therapist refuses to answer or brushes you off, leaving saves you time, money, and emotional energy. As Miller (1998) said, “by daring to ask your questions you can only win.”

References

Miller, A. (1998). FAQ: How to find the right therapist. Alice-Miller.com. Retrieved from https://www.alice-miller.com

Miller, A. (1990). For your own good: Hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence. Farrar, Straus & Giroux.

Miller, A. (1997). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self (Rev. ed.). Basic Books.